In the absence of having anything valuable to add in kissing off this dumpster fire year we called 2020, I wrote some satire about one thing that always makes me laugh: the War on Christmas.
“Dear Valued Antifa Members,
I trust this letter finds you well, or as well as possible under these trying circumstances, and I hope you had a restful December 25th. I’m writing because I realize many of you are shocked and upset by President-Elect Biden’s press conference on December 22nd, and I wanted to give an update and offer some reassurance of our stated goals and agenda. As you know, Mr. Biden said the phrase “Merry Christmas” three times during that presser, as well as casually mentioning his own family’s Christmas traditions. This led many of you to wonder if we may have abandoned our efforts in the ongoing War on Christmas. Rest assured we have not. We are as committed as ever to our cause of eradicating that icky Christian December holiday. We will not be satisfied until the federal government creates a special police force that patrols the nation every December and persecutes any white straight male caught even whispering – nay, thinking! – that dastardly phrase. What happened at the press speech was in error.
One of Mr. Biden’s aides was supposed to brief him beforehand, remind him that the War on Christmas is still a top priority, and instruct him to say “Happy Holidays” repeatedly and in his most pointed tone. Not only that, he was supposed to prominently display a gay Starbucks coffee cup during the presser, just to drive the point home. The aide failed to both brief Mr. Biden and supply him with the gay Starbucks cup. Rest assured, he has been relieved of his duties, immediately. We don’t stand for that level of incompetence here at Antifa.
Furthermore, our financial backer and master manipulator George Soros wanted me to assure you that he has scheduled some face time with the President-elect over Zoom in the first week of January. He will remind Mr. Biden who’s really in charge here. Capitulating to conservatives in the War on Christmas – before even officially taking office – is unacceptable. When we rig an election, we expect results.
I hope this has quelled any fears you may have had due to this error and communications snafu. While I have you here, I’d like to remind you about our upcoming Spring Conference. As you know, we made the tough but correct decision to make it a Zoom event this year, due to the COVID pandemic. Anyone who purchased the full conference package last Spring – which of course included a seat on Mr. Soros’ private plane, plus a sleeping bag made of garbage bags along with two slices of bread upon your arrival in Venezuela – will be refunded minus the cost of the conference itself. Those of you who haven’t yet registered, there is still time! Here are just some of the exhilarating lectures you can attend:
* Recruiting the Next Generation of Freedom Haters
* A Ten-Point Plan to Outlaw Nativity Sets in 75% of Households by December 2025
* Paid Protesting in a Post-COVID World
* A Roundtable Discussion: Clapping Back at Neera Tanden on Twitter
We have not yet finalized our keynote speaker, but several exciting possibilities are being considered, including: the alien living inside Bernie Sanders’ amygdala; an unfinished prototype of the castrate-on-command fembot being devised by the Squad; and, a sentient free school lunch. We hope to see you there!
That’s it for me, I’ll see you guys next year!
A Very Wrong and Offensive Vodka Martini
- 4 oz. vodka
- 1 oz. dry vermouth
- Up to 8 pitted large green olives
- Add ice to two rocks glasses. Fill a cocktail shaker with ice. Add the vodka and dry vermouth. Stir for about 15 seconds, or until your non-dominant hand steadying the shaker is in pain from the cold. Strain evenly into the two waiting rocks glasses. Plop - do not skewer - up to 4 olives apiece into the two glasses and serve immediately. Makes 2 drinks as written.